Got a smoke? Red or White?

I think the hardest part about moving, is not so much getting used to the new town, but getting used to NOT being in the old one. More of a "but I just saw the empire state building out of my window the other day...what happened?"
But believe me, getting used to living here is no strain. Like it's really hard to get used to the fact that I'm paying half in rent, I have my OWN washer and dryer, and I find the people in this community overwhelmingly friendly and generous.

Dave has quit smoking and is on his 5th day of no tobacco ever. Let me just say something about quitting. If we're able to get through this period of time, we can get through any fucking hurdle. I think we've both realized in the past few days how much tobacco was an active sidekick in Dave's life before now. And quitting is like Batman firing Robin. It feels wrong, yet somehow it makes sense.

Here's what he looks like two days ago:

Notice the lack of smoke coming out of his nose or mouth.

And here too. You will see there is a clear lens, untarnished by smoky fumes.

Also, the famous Rebel Roger the beagle mutt is pretty excited to be here too. Though he tends to bark at every little thing in our apartment since we are on the first floor facing the street. He has this impulse to bay at everything he sees, hears, or smells...so he's a very vocal dog these days. But he's peaceful when he's dreaming about rabbits.

Dave and I are working on a demo album right now, and will hopefully be done with that before this weekend is out. We're also still in the job hunt, but I'm not terrified yet. In fact, I might have a lead on a job working in a wine shop. Yes that's right. I'm going to be that snobby wine girl. But don't get me wrong people. I still drink cheap beer and Crown whiskey straight from the bottle. Just cause I know my shit don't mean I'm not a cheap ass too.
Well, that's enough of me talking about kind of lack luster topics. But hey, I'm just getting started. Let's see where this place takes me.

Becoming a Nashvillian

We made it. We made our landing in Nashville, and after three days of settling in a little a bit, I'm wondering how I fit in here, in a place that is so drastically different from New York. There are so many things about a city that I'm realizing plays a huge role in why it's "home". Not just the people, although that's a huge part of it, but it's the shape of the city. New York had its own personality and you could feel it breathing when you were walking around its streets. And then there is the architecture...I love the architecture of new york. Even the run-down buildings have a strange charm to them. Although if anyone knows how to over romanticize about a place it's me. I was living in a bug-ridden, cold, angry building and felt no warm feelings towards it at the time.
So that brings me to here. Nashville. Although I was not overly "wow'd" by the skyline or the miles and miles of bland white right-angled buildings at first, the city is starting to grow on me along with the east that comes with it. The past couple of days we've really started to settle in our apartment like we never even had the opportunity to do in our last place. And most amazingly, from one good friend grew a few more new friends and from them, probably more, all of whom are giving us the warmth and hospitality that we need. Today, we're going to a house art show that we helped prepare for last night by cooking, organizing materials and making block art prints to sell. So we're heading back out there today with our instruments after having been told we should bring them to entertain. Already, it's clear that people appreciate music here and are always wanting musicians to collaborate and contribute to the pot.

But we must go! More Nashville tales to come.

Whiskey and Wine is a great way to say goodbye

My last two nights in New York was kind of like a Cliffs Notes of all the reasons why leaving is hard. I made at least three people cry...not my favorite way of pleasing people, but at least they weren't cheering for joy. And we played our music for the last time ever at the Lucky Cat, not only because we ourselves are leaving, but because the bar has been bought by new owners and will be refurbished, redone, and re-peopled to make it a better fitting establishment for the new Manhattanized Williamsburg that we've grown so sweetly bought out by due to high rising rents and dirty landlords.
In short, it was a very bitter-sweet night for all of us. No more late night shots of Jameson from the bar just because...why not? To life! And no more Tuesday night open mikes even though I always had to work anyway and often missed it. No more cheap drinks because they know me, no more free pizza because the guy I'm in love with makes them for me, no more being the only one on the dance floor like a maniac because there are no hipsters to watch me.
And on top of this, I managed to see almost all the people that made an impact in my life during my time in new york. Most are staying for good, or at least I get that feeling.
The last hours there were just a few good friends, liquored up by their alcohol of preference (mine was whiskey followed by a slow and lingering "I'm not ready to go yet" red wine), talking about New York, rent, relationships, relationships in New York, working in restaurants for too long, and just the general survival skills needed to live somewhere so demanding.
I think the next step in my life is to really see what kind of survivalist I am. What kind of city do I belong in, will I ever want to move back to "the city"? Maybe not. But then again, maybe every other city I live in from now on will only be, "not like New York." But even with those thoughts flowing, I still don't think that's incentive enough for me to move back.

So here I am at Dave's parents' house in Connecticut with our dog. The fridge is stocked, and the shower is something I want to be naked in...for a long time. Something that didn't EVER occur at our old shit hole of an apartment in Brooklyn. And, I can breathe when I go outside. Did you know that air in other places smells good?
We're here to collect ourselves and look for a place to live once we reach Nashville. We'll see how a little socialite like me will do without friends or even strangers for that matter to talk to over a glass of wine. I might have a million small breakdowns along the way. This solitude could be good for me. Writing anyone?
Yes. Good. Deep breath and try to enjoy the scenery while I'm here. This city girl is going country again.

Heading South

The first half of this month, I was able to travel with the Khorikos choir on tour in the Czech Republic and Germany for 9 days. It was amazing. We performed every night in a different church. Before going on the trip, I really had my reservations about things. After the trip, I had gotten to know each amazing person in the group a little more and really came to love everything about the group, and still do. I told the director I was going to take the next season off to have more personal time and work on my own music. But what I didn't realize was that I would be moving in such a short amount of time and would not be singing with them for a while, or maybe ever? As you may know, it's been hard living in New York. But of course it is because it's New York, right? But coming home from such a glamorous trip (not always glamorous...I'm pretty sure I got bed bug bites one night at hostel) made me even more depressed about the situation at home. So when I got home, dave and I started to take action. First we managed to get in touch with our new building manager. After much phone tag and voice messages due to a lengthy Jewish holiday season, where nothing was accounted for, not even a missing lock on the door, or the still present bed bugs looming in our floors, the manager agreed to terminate our lease and give us back every penny we had in deposits.
Good news for us!
Back story a week earlier: Dave had casually asked me if I wanted to move to Nashville come next August. It was a city I really enjoyed on our visit during our tour this summer. I told him yes! But then, maybe!, and then again, Yes! why not? We have a couple of friends there and it's close to my family and it would be a great town to play music in.
So a week went by and we realized we have to get out of our apartment by November 1st. So as all the apartment stuff was happening, Dave found out that the Lucky Cat, where he's worked for the past couple of years has been bought by the people who own Cake Shop in the city and everyone working there would lose their job November 7th. Hmmm, no apartment, no job for dave...
While sitting with Dave's parents at lunch one day, we were talking about all this, and the idea of moving right away came up. "Why don't we move now?" (me) "What? Are you serious?"

Pause

Silence

Maybe not such a bad idea.

We liked Nashville, and we would probably fit in there very well. But what about New York? What will it do without us? What will we do without it? What about my job? And my friends? And my choir that's maybe taking off??
Such are the questions I've been facing for the past couple of days...even though only a week ago, I was only happy to take my things and go.
I am excited for a new adventure, and I am ready for more time and space on my hands. But it's funny how I've never really noticed what I love about this place until I decide to leave it. I think that's only natural though. And new york will never leave if I ever decide to come back. Most people except for my dad and my therapist (yes I have one) think it's a great idea for us. While the exceptions only question what I am leaving behind. In other words, they are all my fears in spoken word for me to hear crystal clear. But I'm 23 and I have a lot of places I want to see and live in. So I'm just putting my inner thoughts out there on the screen for people (or just me) to see to make it clearer to me what I want. But I know that no decision is the wrong one, and each decision is hard.
So we're leaving for nashville tennessee in two weeks...November 9th. Well, we're going to stay with dave's family in CT for two weeks after that, and then head down. So I'm gonna be a southerner again!
I imagine there's friends, jobs and people to sing with there too. They'll just be different. But please, don't let me join a Jesus choir. I know I'll be down south, but I am not going to sing for Jesus. Ever.

It sure is cold here for not having heat...

Bhudda and Bed Bugs

Unfortunately, I have a broken digital camera right now, and won't be able to post any photos for a while. And any film that could be developed and then scanned to show you is somewhere in a plastic bag (via bed bug lifestyle), so that might take some time as well. But, I've still got some things that are important to me. My dog, who is the most adorable wonderful animal in the whole universe, a roof over my head, which as you know, does not come so easy in the big apple, the music, and the people I love. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. Things have been tough lately and it's really hard to count your blessings, but there are a lot of things I have to be grateful for as well. I've been going to a meditation group every monday called the I.D. (Inter-Dependence) Project that dave's been a part of for a while now. And this week's discussion was particularly impressive on my life. The theme was Cynicism and Skepticism. Obviously I am prone to both, but lately, especially the former. I have a gift for seeing all negativity in a situation and then feeling almost wise for knowing the worst. We discussed how skepticism was an inherent part of Buddhism and how without asking questions, there can be nothing learned at the end of the day, and you will not have gotten further in your journey of knowledge. But we also discussed the danger of having only cynicism and no faith, no ability to believe in change and growth. That actually, skepticism, or as they call it, "the great doubt," is just the other side of the coin to faith. This really resonated with me. Because after many years of being brought up under the Jewish belief that G-d is the unyielding "rock" of your existence...the shoulders that hold the world together, I realize now that if I were to have faith in something, it would be faith in the yielding, the natural cycles of change that occur constantly. If you trust that things are fluid rather than stagnant, you won't be disappointed quite so much.

So. How can I apply this to my life? I'm living out of bags, and I can barely find a pair of socks to put on my feet each morning. I'm still tossing an turning every night on a plastic-covered mattress with nothing to rest my head on. I'm living in an apartment building where my downstairs neighbor can't even afford to do all of his laundry so the exterminator can come spray his place for bed bugs too. Jerry, the old, slightly mentally impaired man below us who has lived here for 40 years, who is living off welfare cannot even afford to have his 20 year old TV repaired and wants to have Dave help him carry it down stairs to take to the repair men, but not until his check has arrived. I'm living in a building full of want and lack. This is the Cynic in me. Where the voice inside of me says, this is the world, and it has nowhere to go.
But if I were to really listen to the the other side of myself; the one of faith, I would know to trust that things are in flux as I speak. Everything is shifting and rearranging, and soon another batch of uncomfortable untimely things will probably happen, but I might be sleeping on a very plush bed with pillows, bug free. And Jerry will have gotten his TV fixed.

So this is my challenge for the next few weeks. Look at the big picture, and the small things will start to get smaller.

bed bug-a-thon

I haven't been writing the past few days because I couldn't decide whether to lie about how hard things have been or to actually sit down and tell it how it is. But then I realized like an idiot, that it's my blog, my story, not anyone else's. So why would I hesitate to write what's true? It's a funny inclination I have to avoid problems. Therefore, if I don't display the problems on an internet journal, then the problem exists a little less in my life, right?

Fuck it.

Bed bugs have taken over our life. When we came back from tour, Dave noticed he was getting bites again. (I say again, because we thought we had had them a couple months ago but got rid of them). So we called the landlord, and we eventually scheduled the exterminator to come. What I didn't realize before this started is how draining the bed bug war is. Not only do you have to wash every item of clothing or cloth thing that you own, but you have to bag everything you own for a while and live out of trash bags until the problem has vanished. The night we were preparing for all this, we both had several break downs after having lifted the heaviest laundry loads up and down stairs, vacuuming books, emptying drawers of important photos and papers, and clearing our pantry. We might as well have moved in one day, we were exhausted.
Then at 3:30 in the morning, as dave was coming back from a walk with Roger, he noticed his bike was missing, and the only evidence left was his now cut chain. Imagine our chagrin when he walks inside and shows me the broken chain. That's just too much for one day. There should be a limit on shitty things that occur to a person on a given day or week.
But they always seem to collide into one shit chasm, don't they?

But things are looking up, I hope. We got the bike back, miraculously. Or not, because the idiot who stole it rode around on it every night two blocks away, so about 4 of our neighbors noticed and told us about it. Finally, our friend Ashely saw him riding around and at that moment called dave while he was at an interview, and the cops drove him over to the scene, and he politely and carefully took his bike back and rode off into the Bushwick sunset.

The bugs: the guy came and exterminated, supposedly. He sprayed the hell out of our apartment with this liquid chemical that Roger, and even we, were not allowed to walk barefood on for two whole days. We left the house to eat at Fiore, the place I work. (If you ever want really great, affordable Italian food while in NY, go there! Fiore restaurant on grand st. in Williamsburg, BK)

So we are living out of bags, sleeping on a plastic bed with no pillows or blankets, and the apartment seems bare. But, no bites for the past two nights! We've had some consolation through the indulgence of television via netflix and internet. ie: Weeds season 3, Daily Show, and DNC and RNC speeches.
We haven't been able to practice our music all that much, but we're getting back to it slowly. There's no way a bed bug could ever defeat the duo Chicken Little! No way no how.

Pictures from tour still on hold since I had to put the film canisters in a bag somewhere. Thanks for being my virtual shrink today everyone. May you live a bug-free life.

Underground Policeman

So last night, after being let off early from a very slow night at work, dave and I decided to play in the subways for a couple of hours. So we headed to the Bedford stop subway in Williamsburg, where the money is a flowing, and played some songs for the people. It went over very well, and we even accumulated a good sized crowd all standing about 10 feet back from us as they waited for their train. A wave of clapping ended each song, and people even sang along once in a while. One little kid was dancing around his mother in excited circles to "Greensburg." I was relieved to know we could make people smile. Even when using words like "fuck" or singing about how life doesn't always pan out the way you might like. It helps that we look like we are actually enjoying ourselves in the process.

Well, after about an hour or so of playing for different waves of transit riders, a police officer came up behind us, and in between articulated bubblegum pops, said to us in a subdued voice, "Ok, wrap it up," and then swiftly closed our guitar case-modeled-as-tip jar with his foot. Before he could get away, we asked him what we are doing wrong, and how exactly were we breaking the law? He obviously had not had a lot of experience with subway musicians and started trying to quote some transit codes about soliciting and misusing the transit system and such. Then Dave, who has had numerous experiences quoting subway musician laws to cops in the past, politely, but firmly explained that actually officer, it is perfectly legal to play and receive "donations" as long as you are 25 feet from a token booth and not obstructing traffic as stated in a transit code. The officer seemed shocked at first, but kept his cool, popped his gum and walked away. We left anyway. But on our way out he seemed slightly apologetic and told us we may be right, but he was still skeptical about us accepting donations told us we were still misusing transit property. We replied that wasn't true and we were within our first and 14th amendment rights of free speech.
No one was upset, and we left politely. Maybe he'll be nicer to the next musician he comes across.

Some new things

I've been away. I apologize. I know! No excuses, but I'm a sporadic person with a poor sense of commitment.

Some news: Dave and I just got back from our very first tour as Chicken Little! It was awesome. And the second big news is that on our trip, we brought with us our new ridiculously cute beagle mutt Roger! Roger is the best dog ever, and we tell him that every day. We rescued him from this amazing woman who started her own rescue foster care called Sugar Mutts Rescue. www.sugarmutts.com. If you know anyone, or if you want to adopt a really sweet, maybe larger dog, this is the place. Roger had already gotten all his shots and everything, so all we had to do was pay her the adoption fee and he was ours. By the way, we took him to a punk show that we played right before tour when we had only had him for 3 days, and here are some pictures of him having a great time. (he's good with the ladies)
And some others:


And here is his beloved monkey.


So Roger actually tagged along with us the entire tour down south, which was both challenging and rewarding. He learned to really trust us, but he also learned he's not so crazy about changing towns every other night. But the tour was great, and we played in various southern towns, including: Philly (played an open mike after our show flaked on us), Asheville, NC (Woot, hometown +amazing show at Firestorm cafe. Visit www.firestormcafe.com), Athens, GA at the Flicker Theater (my brother's town now), Nashville, TN (awesome awesome place. I think I might belong here), Bloomington, IN (horrible lazy, pothead, college burn-out town), Lakewood, Oh (woo hoo! Fuckin' awesome time. Sold lots of cds and made some nice friends, great experience). And Now we're back in the apple. I have to say...it's good to be back. Playing at open mikes, back in a work environment I know and like, and giving Roger a home he loves and wants to stay in. I have to say though, being on tour definitely spoils you. I wish I were performing every other night. But now is the time to really hone our skills. Tighten our songs and get better. But tour taught me so much about being a musician and what I want to be doing. I'll be writing about my trip to Prague with my choir Khorikos as well in October when the time comes.
But until then, hope this wasn't so boring.
I'm a loser and don't have any pictures from tour yet, but here are a few from the Ever Reviled Records show:



So, I will be more committed to this blog thing now. I promise. I'll get those pictures developed from tour, and I will complain about New York no matter how much I love it.
But here's just one last one:

Cute huh?

Spring is in the air

I know it's been more than a month now since I've posted...I'm guilty.  It's been a pretty intense and busy month, and I finally feel like things are dying down a little (in a good way).  

It was a combination of things like working almost everyday, having rehearsals and two shows in one weekend, and then also coming down with one of the worst flu-like bug I've ever had.  But I am back to the emma that I know, and it feels good.  

So dave and I officially have a band name now.  We are Chicken Little and we go by Chicken Shit Emma and Cuomo Little Shit.  Classy I know.  but the kids love it.  We played at an open mike last night with these names for the first time and played two songs. I think people enjoyed it.  Now my goal is to be incorporating my accordion into all the songs.  The problem is, I'm not exactly proficient yet, and she (the accordion) is just so heavy and loud.  Almost over-bearing to the rest of the sound we produce.  But I love her.  So I will make it work.  I'm also thinking though of buying a smaller accordion that will be better suited for the acoustic shows we do in houses and bars.  

New York seems to have missed the point of spring this year.  Sure the parks are in bloom, but the streets are just full of pointless pollen, and it rains almost everyday.  Not to mention Wind has become a regular host for the weather's forecast.  One day, I'll be back in a place that has the smell of spring and the colors to prove it.  Until then though, Spring is a muddle of soggy rooftops and fogged skylines.  

freedom of expression is hard

I just started writing lessons under the miraculous tutelage of dearest dave, and I feel like I'm an infant learning how to speak again, because all that comes out of me right now seems like babble. I've just started to do 20 minute "free writes" which is very hard on my wrist and brain, but by the end of it, I seem surprisingly happy to have done it. The first one actually brought up some really powerful thoughts for me that have been brewing in my mind for a while now, but until I gave up my need to over-think, I finally came upon something worth while for me.
I might start to post some of these ideas now and again, but not right this moment. It is not time. But there's something incredible about having to keep the hand and mind moving, even if it's tired, or out of "ideas." Because that's the beauty of it, is that there is no pre-emptive thinking or planning. It's just associative thinking and almost a physical excercise. For me, it was very much like meditating, where you're thoughts are going in and out of your breath, to a new thought that pops up, then back again to the breath, to the awareness that you are actively involved in that moment.

In other news, the apartment's slowly coming together. We're no longer eating from pots and pans since dave bought two REAL bowls and some silverware. Woo hoo! And having an east-west facing apartment is amazing. Sunrise, sunset...

Life can move in a strange way

For those of you who don't know yet, I am moving to a new apartment in April to live with my also relatively new boyfriend. Crazy? Yes. Fast? Yes. But if you knew him and you knew me, it would all make sense. And we'll have an amazing view of the manhattan skyline, so what could really go wrong I ask you??

I know we're taking a risk, but isn't that what life is for? And it seemed like the Universe was shouting at us to make this next move. Having that said, we still won't be seeing that much of each other because of our opposite work schedules.

We plan on having "rent-raisers" and fun gatherings on wood floors so we can maybe one day have a couch. And maybe a desk and some chairs? But goddam, we have a place, and I can't wait to live cat-free. Not to mention the freedom to do whatever the hell I want in my own space. I'll post some pictures of the place as soon as I get a chance. We're meeting with the landlord tomorrow to go over all the application materials and such. I feel strangely like an adult or something... What happened?

I'll be in touch. I know this was a leap from my last post. A lot has occurred. Ciao!

All I want is a room somewhere...

I've been apartment hunting, and while I've only seen two places so far, it is a very stressful undertaking. One wrong decision can make a huge difference in the long run. And sometimes I have to just go with my gut even if something seems really good on the outside. Like maybe I just want a shitty hole, but a shitty hole that I can call my own.

Aside from the stress, it's been fun exploring the city in ways I normally don't have time for. I get to ride trains I never ride, see the people I never would have passed, and smell the smells from the local roti shops I've never eaten from. And as I crossed over the Williamsburg Bridge on the J train, I was thankful for the first time for a slow-moving train. Going across right at dusk, everything shimmered on the water and off of old factory buildings, and cars below looked like toys, crawling like ants on the highways. A landscape of high rises and dingy train tracks suddenly morphed into a peaceful landscape. Not to sound too much like a Futurist or someone who has faith in society and technology, but I thought how wonderful it is to return to that beauty that lies in almost everything, no matter how much we fuck it up.

sleep, breath

These two things that are the driving forces of our existence have been my new tyrants. The past few weeks have been pregnant with new challenges...and new beginnings. One challenge. Standing up for myself. Result: getting a little more of what I want out of life.
Challenge 2: SLEEP and BREATH. I have not been sleeping. And when I do, it certainly does not leave the impression that what I have just thought about for 2 hours was only dream. Thus, dream and life are blending more and more, and I have some suspicions that the movie "Waking Life" is actually a true story. This I will overcome I am confidant. It is a temporary challenge along the way.

The breath comes in like this. I am short of breath with allergies. I biked from Brooklyn to work on the upper west side the other day and the breath was taken swiftly from my body.

New beginnings: Something is making its way in, like a breath of fresh air, and I can't say much except that its keywords are adventure, wind, trust, and heart. And skipping.

I leave with this thought...that it will leave me when I lay down tonight, and I won't be able to recall the dark until I wake up again.

First weekend in weeks

Because of Martin Luther King Jr. day, I have today (Sunday), and tomorrow off. I have to leave in about 5 minutes for choir rehearsal, but I have a purring kitty on my lap watching what words are being created on the screen as I type, (he's fascinated by my typing), and I seem to have grown immensely sleepy from working out, eating, then sitting... I really just want to curl up. And I seem to have just eaten something tasting a little on the funky side, rotten eggy tasting, and I'm not happy about this situation.
I was supposed to make myself sing and warm up before practice today, but I failed to do so.

Anyway, I'll write more later. But I needed to just get something out before I headed out into the world of subways and shuttle buses (my train is never working on the weekends now.)
And, oh yeah, it's COLD. Remember that time I was complaining about the weather being fucked up and too warm for my well-being? Well, let's just say I have a tendency to yearn for the greener grass. And so, my dears, whoever is reading or to the spirits that may be guiding me tonight, I wish you farewell.

To warm sweaters, drafty windows, and loving kittens. And a rotten taste in your mouth...

Ode to my 3rd grade love

what is it that makes you fall for that first crush? It can't based on something that actually occurs in real life...like, you really connected when you first discovered you both have a collection of old bottles. I think it's an image, and you're suddenly inclined to love that image because it's so familiar and strange at the same time. But you've never looked him in the eyes, and you'll never know why the obsession has taken hold of you except for one reason, which is this thing called magnetism. And suddenly, you discover what attraction is. That it's an energy that exists like a bubble between two forces, pushing and pulling, and you can stop it as much as a speeding train can come to a deafening halt.

1st Love Poem

When I sit in my rib-caged desk,

I stare
at chipped away signatures, and puttied hearts.

I scratch some lines with my number 2 pencil,
hoping you'll catch me under your vise
and see that I'm different from the rest.

I know that we're meant to be with each other because
your hair and eyes are shiny brown.
They glow and I've never wanted to hold something so secret before.
Chalk makes cloud and blurs my attention and
I drink your face into my memory
and savor your name.

One day,
after school, I walked to my father's office
dreading the boredom of typing and silence and office carpet smells
that match the office chair and magazine smells.
Before walking through the jingle-belled door,
you were there, with your skateboard, practicing in MY father's business yard.

Hello.
Hello.

Quick. Rush and beating heart, I pass body and go inside,
escaping the whirlwind of desire to another room of desks and chairs.

I think of the doorway and I think of entering it, exiting the outside world of possibility.
There's no wind inside, and
I dream of the Brown again and again.

Winter's playing a joke on me

I know I have a mind, and I have the ability to know the comings and goings of the seasons, but these warm January days are daring me to think spring, to want to take flight again and start my seasons over from where they started in May. Except, part of me knows I'm being beckoned and teased at the same time, and that if I peep my head out, I might just get frost bite. The irony is, the western new year begins in the dead of winter. What is there to renew this time of year?

Or maybe that's the point. In the darkness, it's so easy to retreat into our holes and wait for all this to breeze over. But really, the winter is a time to regenerate and form new habits with ourselves and others. Like when our synapses are actually doing the work for us when we sleep at night preparing the body for a new self in the morning. So with that said, as much as I enjoy a nice warm winter day, it does feel a little like a chip in my teacup.

It's been too long since I've written here. I've been distracted, and still am in a way. But I'm learning to focus the more I live here. Which is crazy because this city is certainly not the most well-tempered places on earth. But I've never felt as capable as I do right now, which still isn't saying much, but I've gained a stronger hide thanks to things like heartbreak, uncertainty and New York City blues.
But this does not bring me down. I have acquired a new sheen to go along with my hide. It sparkles in the most unexpected moments and gives me confidence when I'm longing for a solution. I find I'm falling in love with people all over the place. And they excite me and I want to send my glittery sheen out to them. Even in the office or on the street, I see people walking by, each of them with a different hue of color. Some are gray, some are rainbow, some just pale blue like fog. It's fascinating, and it's beautiful. Perhaps the Salman Rushdie I've been reading is rubbing off onto my hands and into my fingers tonight.

I heard tomorrow is supposed to have rains all day. (don't be fooled, it's only january. the rain will trickle down to a defenseless surface)